Candiesforyou

I've been real emotional these days. Nope I don't get angry or flare up, I just cry alot. It's really sad sometimes. When the sun sets, I feel the emotion overwhelm me, whenever the sun sets, I just want to be alone, spend some time with my inner thoughts. I would think and think, my brain overworking on replaying the very faithful moment when you decided to come into my life and when we had our very first kiss, it seems like yesterday and yes it felt amazing and now, it still feel amazing. Happy memories, no in fact every memory of you lingers, whereever I go, whatever I do reminds me of us. I'd never blamed you, everyone has their own rights to choose and you chose to leave us behind. Good for you, I'm proud. You love me, it's just that you love yourself more. I've been fighting the urge to text you, I don't want to irritate you. Even if I did text you, there would be no response, it's not that I've given up on you. Please don't think of i...

I'm losing everything in sight. Firstly you, the most important thing in my entire life. I lost you. Then I had news, someone important to me, someone who is very dear. Next my studies, presentation tomorrow and we were not informed, cause the slides are not ready. We couldnt get the lecturer. We could get zero for that. I might be facing a 3.5years in poly now. Then now the every big problem is, 6 more months, my sponsorship? Ya right, it could be a 32k. It's exams now and I can't focus, yet again I broke down during study just now. Everything seems so unfair to me. Why are all the bad stuff happening to me and only me? At least in the past you were there for me but now I have none, I am fucking depressed. I wanna stop swimming, I wanna stop doing evrything. I hope there's really a time machine. I wanna turn back time to 3years ago. I wanna start afresh. I'm hopeless. My life sucked to the max and I'm not enjoying any part of it. June is sucky enough I really h...

You know you had found someone special and irreplacable when you feel an aching gap in your heart when they walk away. I'm sorry. E , xoxo ♥

I guess my only regret is that i couldn’t give you enough reasons to stay. I want to run away. My mind is a waste, all I ever do is to think about you. But surprisely when I did, I smile. Whenever you're on my mind, I will curl my lips upwards and smile, sometimes let out a laugh. Maybe whatever memories you left with me are now happy. Or simply I'm glad that I had you for a good two years with so much to remember and remind me of. I'm past the depression period, guess now it's the denial stage. My mind kept thinking you will be back, but no you will not be, at least for now. July will be a good month, your big eighteen but I don't want to ruin it. Sorry I cannot be there with you. So today I went to town and gave my old dry hair a makeover! Colour, treatment plus cut @ 161bucks! So now I'm red and loving every part of it before it fades and turn brown like dry haystack. Nevertheless, I like it. Red is definitely my colour, loving it since like forever. Thanks ...

It's only days away from the big exam day. I should be studying now but distractions, sigh they are my greatest enemies now. Today's study was not productive at all, cause we ended up snacking and chatting at the library, hope tomorrow's will be better since there's only two of us. Cause I wanna do well for this exam and pull my bloody low GPA up. It's my last few chances already. Training was good just now, I did my best. Hi water-feel, I think I lost you again. Please make your way back home to me soon alright?! I cannot focus, I'm trying to but sometimes I just can't help it. Sadness is inevitable in life, but really thank god I have awesome support from people who care or at least pretend to care. At least they bother. I'm better now, as long as I'm doing something, I won't think. Hmm maybe maybe. Cause mending a broken heart ain't easy. Picking up the broken pieces of it is tedious, especially when it's all little pieces. I got cut ...

It's been a long 14days ever since E left and I guess I'm coping just fine. Or maybe not. I still cry almost daily but I really can't help it. I have wonderful people around me, encouraging me and providing me comfort whenever I go but I'm a letdown really. Cause my mind is determined to get over him but my heart keep doing otherwise. Sigh, it's really hard for me. But I will get by I guess. People say time will heal and maybe I don't want to be healed. E still cares, he still loves so I shouldn't give up right. For all I know this might be temporary, maybe he just need a break to cool down, 2 years is a very long time. He need some space too. Hmm I will be shifting to my granny's place by this week. It's far to painful to be staying in my house, there's too much of us. I need to focus now, exams are like next week and I'm only 50% through one freaking module. June sucks big time. July will be better and maybe things would become better too. ...

NUS is now over and everyone is heading towards Nationals with higher hopes and expectations. I should too, it's the only way I will improve and be a better player in the team. Right so now I'm having wobbly legs, aching arms and a painful back. All red, roasted under the sun yesterday. Yesterday was quite screwed I feel, but nahhh I did my best and June's already screwed so it doesn't matter if yesterday was screwed or not. Just have to get over it and aim higher, swim faster! Anyway gotten my first medal in lifesaving, was dead happy until my rope event crush my spirits but still thank you girls for making this possible. I'm going to be stress all the way until nationals is over! Let's go WS, we can do it! :D Ohhh training today was fun! Did some swimming and double board with Estee, had cramp at my right foot arch again! It's always there and I don't know why! It's irritating cause firstly, it's hard to stretch and it's both painful and ti...

Ohhh hello people, I totally suck to the max. After thursday night, everything came crushing down on me like nobody's people. Yeah since E doesn't care anymore, I don't think anyone else should. I had the worst day of my life today. I missed him like mad but I cannot text/call him. I'm just trying to make him happy but why the fuck am I feeling so freakking painful? He came for training and suddenly I became invisible. I didn't know I was such an eyesore, he ran away when he saw me walking towards him. Thanks E that seriously helped alot. History is going to repeat itself, this fucking event is going to haunt me forever. Whatever happened 2 years back happened again. You weren't there when I needed you the most. I'm going to break into little pieces soon. Competition is like 3 days away and what am I going to do? Life sucks and I suck.

DO YOU STILL REMEMBER THIS?

Being in love doesn't mean you have to be with the person you love. Just as long as he is happy with his life, it's good enough to watch and smile. With that phrase I'm proud to say that I'm in love. Terribly in love with someone so awesome that I'm willing to let him go and let him free. I'm in love. Yesterday was Day 4. I couldn't help but to text him, but at least I didn't call. There's no response but it's okay. As long as he is happy, I'm fine with it. Thanks to the awesome bunch who tried to cheer me up yesterday, I was momentarily but then I fell back into the state of sadness. Whenever I'm alone I think of him. I need distractions, I need plenty of them. I'm glad that I'm crying every night, this shows that I care, he may not know, he may not care but it's okay. Everytime a sad song plays, my heart ached. Sad songs can really tell stories of us, even though it's not meant for us, but it can really represent me and ...

I feel so much better now. Thanks E, you've made me into a better person. I will not get over you, but instead I will be supporting you from the back, behind-the-scenes kind like how I used to before 1sep08. We made our fair share of promises. Stay happy always. As for you Ms Teo, you better buck up and keep your promises. And this week is going to be busy like shit. You are a Jaywalker, so get busy like a bumblebee!

我像个残废,飞不出你的世界. 对不起是 我 的 错, 我真的 真的 很爱你. 回来好吗?

I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF . I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK I SUCK . GO...

What is I died one day? Will you love me more? What if I don't exist anymore? Will you ever miss me at all? What if I can't be found? Will you try to find me? What if I leave you for good, not because I don't love you but because I love you so much, so much that it hurts for me to live another day without you. Will you regret leaving me? I had always taken you for granted, not treasuring you enough. That's why the both of us became what we are today. I'm such a bad person, I made the one I love cried countless time and he is a guy. Guys don't shed tears for nothing, it's because it hurts damn bad. I go around hurting people, bringing misery to their life. I should die, yes I should. Cause you don't need me anymore, my task is completed. There's no more meaning in life, cause my life is all about you. My life is all about loving you and making you feel happy. I failed terribly. I'm sorry I was such a letdown. I can't turn back time, but I can ...

Pride, it kills. Close your eyes and tears roll down your face, what's the point of crying now? It's involuntary, the nerves pained so does the heart. It's not anything analgesics can relieve, maybe anaethesia, put her to sleep, forever. Cause she said everything is meaningless now, she said she lost her lifeline. She finds distraction, she keeps herself busy with all sorts of stuff but images and memories kept reminding her of the pain. Misery only loves miserable company, pathetic. Save her soon alright? This is only the beginning, she will never give up. She only hopes for it, so that she can make amendments. Remember those promises? It's been two difficult days now. I wanna exchange my life just for you to be happy.

Baby: Mummy, where's Daddy? I miss him so much. Mummy: Don't worry, you will see him soon. He's just not around for the moment. Baby: Daddy doesn't want us anymore??? He's been gone for days. Mummy: No, Daddy will be back, he will. Don't worry okay. Baby: Okay Mummy, stop crying. I'm sorry. -In his heart, he prays for Daddy's return soon...- I'M SORRY ~

The bugs are still thriving within me, coughing endlessly with the hoarse voice again. Sigh. The world came crumpling down on me but I'm still alive, though barely but it's good enough. I don't need to prove anything to anyone, just to put in the bestest effort I can in whatever I do then there are going to be no regrets. Human beings should love more. Why can't they try to put all unhappiness aside? We need enlightenment seriously, cause there won't be peace, not even for a few hours. Yes people around us may not "click" with one another well but hey, no one is perfect so why not just let those bad thoughts slide and bury them away? Oh man I can't believe I'm saying all these right now. Maybe it's because I've been yearning for peace and happiness for like eons. But someone told me that Hoping for peace is like asking to fuck for virginity. Is it really so true? Impossible?! Sigh, have faith girl, have faith. I'm now on a packed sched...

Avoidance is an act of cowardice. I've been missing trainings due to this silly weak immune system of mine and I'm getting real pissed now. Trainings have always been (almost) part of my life now and when I don't get to immerse myself into that chlorinated water, I feel quirky. It sounds damn weird but sad, it's true. I might never recover with this blocked nose, persistent cough, on-off fever and my really sexay voice(!!) All of a sudden, staying healthy is a chore. SIGHSIGHSIGH~ It's pass midnight and I'm left with to more weeks to my first competition with the team and I would be shotdead if I were to say there's no pressure. The add-ons to the competition stress isn't very welcoming but it's a pretty good negative reinforcement. I will give in my best not to let everyone down. And I kinda like this phrase yozxz! it is only 4 of us to make/break the team! Go ws! ♥

Strawberry, nice and sweet-looking, but put a little pressure on them, they'll get squashed. Humans-alike, put a little stress and they will break. There's a possibilty that everything would crumple to nothing if fate wants to be cruel but they're being nice for now, thank the gods. I'm a whimp, I'm afraid and I do not trust. There's nothing much to look forward to when you know that things can be unpredictable. Fear is inevitable no doubt. I'm not feeling any better when I open my eyes today, in fact I feel terrible.

I'm down finally. I kept telling myself, "I'm fine" but yet my body shows signs of otherwise. I wish to be up and about soon cause I really can't afford to be sick for long. GETWELLSOON :D (This is a shoutout for that cute guy in Seattle too!) Also thank you my baby for taking care of me. Many many loves! Alright, the minor hiatus was unintentional. I've been pretty much busy with trainings and school. I'd should be studying right now but yet I can't resist the temptation of technology. It's either the net or the iTouch, sucker isn't it. Distractions. But true to certain extend I'd rather Facebook than to Face Books. Sigh, I've got to complete my mugging for two modules by tonight or go for tests tomorrow unprepared. Also competitions - BIGBIGWORRY!