Candiesforyou

I was just effing curious on what made people go on that particular dating app so I'd decided to re-download it today. So history is I did try Tinder but got off after a trial week. I did get some amount of "matches" but hell there were some pretty disgusting creatures luking behind those poise photos which made me swipe right. Well I mean yes of course everyone choose their most flattering photos as their profile picture but soon I learnt that looks (or rather profile pictures) can be so deceiving. I read back some of the "conversations" that my matches and I tried to had and I seriously had a great laugh. Lol. Some came up with cheesy pickup lines, some tried so hard and some douchebags literally cut the chase and went straight to the bootycall. Honestly, it just gross me out. While I do agree that physical attraction is important, I cannot believe how superficial people can be. There, underneath that pretty face, boobs and butt lies a beautiful person which

Can one walk on coals, And his feet not be seared? -Proverbs 6:28 (NKJV) How apt. I rendered myself powerless when I decided to go for it and yet again I am helpless against this pretty hopeless situation. I got myself stuck again. I knew the risks, the rules of the game and the potential harm. Yet I dived straight in, like moths attracted to light, like Icarus flying too close to the sun, burnt so bad but I'm still craving for more. This is so powerful but its so sick. I fight my demons the moment I wake, I fight the urge, some days I survived, some I succumbed... This is messy, maybe it's just me. I know there shouldn't be any regrets but I shouldn't have made that decision in the first place. There's no going back, no redos, just moving forward. What a painful lesson this is going to be.  Lord, heal me, bless me, guard me from those demons out there. I pray for their wellness, Lord make me strong, again. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Yesterday I had someone asked me why am I so happy everyday & I replied "why not?" with hell loads of swag I feel. Ever since I walked out of my old life, ever since I returned from Australia in March, people have been saying I'm happy, really truly happy. I also had told me that he is living his life vicariously through mine & someone told me that if she could live her life the way she wanted it to be, it would be my life. I would thank them and ask them to do themselves a favour to live life the way they want to, yadayada but I do feel empty at times. What if all that I am showing is just a facade? I do feel the negativity trying to overcome me and yes I have difficulty suppressing those awful emotions, all the time. I am in a constant fight with my own demons and I'm afraid I might not last any longer. Sometimes I wonder why am I always beating myself down, making myself so fucking miserable. I'm struggling, I'm drowning. I am truly disappointed in