Candiesforyou

It took me awhile to finally get it in my head that you're not worth it. Not one bit. Behind that perfect shell lies an ugly selfish person and I was so blinded by your looks. Now now, I'm superficial (ikr!) But who isn't! Honestly looks isn't everything but it matter! I'm just so glad I'd managed to look past those superficial beauty and into that dark soul. Wish I hadn't taken so long to open my eyes but I'm really happy that I followed my brain instead. Well done peabrain! You did not fail me this time!! Thank you Lord, I should've heed those warning signs long ago instead of blatantly ignoring them. I think many girls are into "bad boys" in hope that they would be the one who can "tame" them and I admit that I'm one of them. I found bad boys so attractive and the higher their "bad" index, the better. But "swag" is so yesterday. I don't need money, I don't need class, I just need you to be there...

I guess I am addicted to a certain kind of sadness. I can walk out of it but I am choosing to stay right here for now, just mellowing in sorrow, feeling it. The feeling of losing myself in those sad songs, just putting those earpiece on and shutting the rest of the world out. These emotions, I need to learn how to control them, and of course start building my walls once again. Do. Not. Overthink. And. Assume.

I thought my life was good enough, I was contented. Then it hit me so hard that I was only distracted but I have not fully moved on.. and now I think the Lord has His own ways of delivering His thoughts, his messages and his signs. He sent me angels to help me, love me and guide me, supporting me through the difficult times and it is through His words and His love that will heal me. This season shall pass and I will get better and stronger to withstand all temptations and distractions! I will overcome, in the Lord's mighty name! Believe, just believe.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6 Had the talk today again with my big boss. What did I do wrong? Do I really have to take on this path... I really feel that I will destroy my own life. I am really confused. Fkthisshit sigh.

It's one of those sleepless nights again. I busied myself day and night but my mind still have space and time for you. How... No distractions can takr you off my mind, memories just linger, even it was short, but it was fucking sweet. I thought I was getting better but I think i am kidding myself. Obviously with all these thoughts and tears I am not alright. I still misses you and I really don't know why. I am so silly. It was a night to remember, a week of untold promises, a deal done. But how much of it is true? To me, it will always be a regret. Regret for not seizing the day and following my heart. I followed my fucking brain and ended up here, thinking and longing for you. Even though I know how this will end, I am still expecting you. Maybe it has already ended, or for fuck sake maybe there was nothing at all. A game and I fucking lost. I know I will lose yet I chose to play. Gave in to temptation and see where it got me. I barely knew you! What has become of me. I'm...

Dear Lord, thank you for blessing me with people who stayed by my side despite me being inadequate and lousy as a friend. I would like to give thanks for You are the one who opened my eyes to see clearly and let me have the chance to show them love. Thank you Lord for putting me in situations which allowed me to understand and accept what's real and what's not. I think the hardest part of these all is coming to terms with mtself and to have the courage to accept that maybe some things are just now meant to be. Lord please lead and guide me through this phase of my life and I pray for all my friends, family and loved one to be bless by your greatness and generosity.  Let them be strong and happy for their happiness will become my own happiness. Lord your power is endless and I give you my all, to be your servant and let me see the world through your eyes, love with your heart and live with your spirit for the better. In Jesus' name, Amen.

In order to find yourself, you have to lose yourself first. I can't sleep at night, and I wake up early in the day. I check my phone constantly and I busy myself to keep you away.  Lord, please give me strength to tide through this. I swear I will not subject myself to this kind of pain anymore.