Candiesforyou

Ever since I started travelling, I began to see the world in a different perspective. I became more open minded, I became courageous and I began to believe that nothing is impossible. I stepped out of my own comfort zone and was forced to be independent. Maybe the initial reason for travelling was to escape but now it is to discover. I began to appreciate the small things around me, I began to accept that some things are not meant to be, I began to let things go because I know there are so many things out there for me to discover. Why settle and be mundane when you can be carefree and shine. Well at least I am shining. For myself.  Australia was so fulfilling. This time I truly got out of my comfort zone, be reckless and got things done. I planned my itinerary yet I refused to make certain bookings, leaving things up to my "mood" and the trip turned out great. I slept in the airport, hitchhiked at 12noon on an island, took long bus rides, had a weird conversation...

A few more hours before I turn another year older.. time doesn't fly, it just rocketed pass my own eyes and looking back this past one year, I can stand tall, smile and say I'd truly lived. Last year this time I was pulling my hair out, preparing for my bachelor's assessment & now I'm just lazing in a foreign land, comtemplating life! Haha how things have changed really! 23 has been great, even though I stumbled and fell, I got my fucking shit together and carried on, getting by day by day, doing things I want and just living life to its fullest. Thank you everyone for staying in my life, you guys supported me and helped shaped me in different ways. Gonna spend my first birthday in seven years as a single and shit I don't know what to do hahahaha.

Wait. The wait is always the hardest part. That wait to go into the examination hall, that wait before your results get released, that wait before you get your dinner served, that wait for the bus which seemed take forever to arrive, that wait for friends who are "on their way", that wait for someone to text, that wait for this and that. It's the wait for the unknown.. I'm waiting now... for many things in fact. But physically, I'm at the emergency department waiting, waiting for that incomplete update from the ED resident, wait for that blood result which will either be normal or abnormal, the wait for some concrete finding or diagnosis or at least differentials. It kinda sucked to be on the receiving end of healthcare, being so powerless and helpless to the situation and all one can do is to wait and hope that things will turn out fine. Then situation forces you to reveal yourself as a healthcare professional and things get a little better as the care provider...

It took me awhile to finally get it in my head that you're not worth it. Not one bit. Behind that perfect shell lies an ugly selfish person and I was so blinded by your looks. Now now, I'm superficial (ikr!) But who isn't! Honestly looks isn't everything but it matter! I'm just so glad I'd managed to look past those superficial beauty and into that dark soul. Wish I hadn't taken so long to open my eyes but I'm really happy that I followed my brain instead. Well done peabrain! You did not fail me this time!! Thank you Lord, I should've heed those warning signs long ago instead of blatantly ignoring them. I think many girls are into "bad boys" in hope that they would be the one who can "tame" them and I admit that I'm one of them. I found bad boys so attractive and the higher their "bad" index, the better. But "swag" is so yesterday. I don't need money, I don't need class, I just need you to be there...

I guess I am addicted to a certain kind of sadness. I can walk out of it but I am choosing to stay right here for now, just mellowing in sorrow, feeling it. The feeling of losing myself in those sad songs, just putting those earpiece on and shutting the rest of the world out. These emotions, I need to learn how to control them, and of course start building my walls once again. Do. Not. Overthink. And. Assume.

I thought my life was good enough, I was contented. Then it hit me so hard that I was only distracted but I have not fully moved on.. and now I think the Lord has His own ways of delivering His thoughts, his messages and his signs. He sent me angels to help me, love me and guide me, supporting me through the difficult times and it is through His words and His love that will heal me. This season shall pass and I will get better and stronger to withstand all temptations and distractions! I will overcome, in the Lord's mighty name! Believe, just believe.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6 Had the talk today again with my big boss. What did I do wrong? Do I really have to take on this path... I really feel that I will destroy my own life. I am really confused. Fkthisshit sigh.