Candiesforyou

I was just effing curious on what made people go on that particular dating app so I'd decided to re-download it today. So history is I did try Tinder but got off after a trial week. I did get some amount of "matches" but hell there were some pretty disgusting creatures luking behind those poise photos which made me swipe right. Well I mean yes of course everyone choose their most flattering photos as their profile picture but soon I learnt that looks (or rather profile pictures) can be so deceiving. I read back some of the "conversations" that my matches and I tried to had and I seriously had a great laugh. Lol. Some came up with cheesy pickup lines, some tried so hard and some douchebags literally cut the chase and went straight to the bootycall. Honestly, it just gross me out. While I do agree that physical attraction is important, I cannot believe how superficial people can be. There, underneath that pretty face, boobs and butt lies a beautiful person which...

Can one walk on coals, And his feet not be seared? -Proverbs 6:28 (NKJV) How apt. I rendered myself powerless when I decided to go for it and yet again I am helpless against this pretty hopeless situation. I got myself stuck again. I knew the risks, the rules of the game and the potential harm. Yet I dived straight in, like moths attracted to light, like Icarus flying too close to the sun, burnt so bad but I'm still craving for more. This is so powerful but its so sick. I fight my demons the moment I wake, I fight the urge, some days I survived, some I succumbed... This is messy, maybe it's just me. I know there shouldn't be any regrets but I shouldn't have made that decision in the first place. There's no going back, no redos, just moving forward. What a painful lesson this is going to be.  Lord, heal me, bless me, guard me from those demons out there. I pray for their wellness, Lord make me strong, again. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Yesterday I had someone asked me why am I so happy everyday & I replied "why not?" with hell loads of swag I feel. Ever since I walked out of my old life, ever since I returned from Australia in March, people have been saying I'm happy, really truly happy. I also had told me that he is living his life vicariously through mine & someone told me that if she could live her life the way she wanted it to be, it would be my life. I would thank them and ask them to do themselves a favour to live life the way they want to, yadayada but I do feel empty at times. What if all that I am showing is just a facade? I do feel the negativity trying to overcome me and yes I have difficulty suppressing those awful emotions, all the time. I am in a constant fight with my own demons and I'm afraid I might not last any longer. Sometimes I wonder why am I always beating myself down, making myself so fucking miserable. I'm struggling, I'm drowning. I am truly disappointed in...

Ever since I started travelling, I began to see the world in a different perspective. I became more open minded, I became courageous and I began to believe that nothing is impossible. I stepped out of my own comfort zone and was forced to be independent. Maybe the initial reason for travelling was to escape but now it is to discover. I began to appreciate the small things around me, I began to accept that some things are not meant to be, I began to let things go because I know there are so many things out there for me to discover. Why settle and be mundane when you can be carefree and shine. Well at least I am shining. For myself.  Australia was so fulfilling. This time I truly got out of my comfort zone, be reckless and got things done. I planned my itinerary yet I refused to make certain bookings, leaving things up to my "mood" and the trip turned out great. I slept in the airport, hitchhiked at 12noon on an island, took long bus rides, had a weird conversation...

A few more hours before I turn another year older.. time doesn't fly, it just rocketed pass my own eyes and looking back this past one year, I can stand tall, smile and say I'd truly lived. Last year this time I was pulling my hair out, preparing for my bachelor's assessment & now I'm just lazing in a foreign land, comtemplating life! Haha how things have changed really! 23 has been great, even though I stumbled and fell, I got my fucking shit together and carried on, getting by day by day, doing things I want and just living life to its fullest. Thank you everyone for staying in my life, you guys supported me and helped shaped me in different ways. Gonna spend my first birthday in seven years as a single and shit I don't know what to do hahahaha.

Wait. The wait is always the hardest part. That wait to go into the examination hall, that wait before your results get released, that wait before you get your dinner served, that wait for the bus which seemed take forever to arrive, that wait for friends who are "on their way", that wait for someone to text, that wait for this and that. It's the wait for the unknown.. I'm waiting now... for many things in fact. But physically, I'm at the emergency department waiting, waiting for that incomplete update from the ED resident, wait for that blood result which will either be normal or abnormal, the wait for some concrete finding or diagnosis or at least differentials. It kinda sucked to be on the receiving end of healthcare, being so powerless and helpless to the situation and all one can do is to wait and hope that things will turn out fine. Then situation forces you to reveal yourself as a healthcare professional and things get a little better as the care provider...

It took me awhile to finally get it in my head that you're not worth it. Not one bit. Behind that perfect shell lies an ugly selfish person and I was so blinded by your looks. Now now, I'm superficial (ikr!) But who isn't! Honestly looks isn't everything but it matter! I'm just so glad I'd managed to look past those superficial beauty and into that dark soul. Wish I hadn't taken so long to open my eyes but I'm really happy that I followed my brain instead. Well done peabrain! You did not fail me this time!! Thank you Lord, I should've heed those warning signs long ago instead of blatantly ignoring them. I think many girls are into "bad boys" in hope that they would be the one who can "tame" them and I admit that I'm one of them. I found bad boys so attractive and the higher their "bad" index, the better. But "swag" is so yesterday. I don't need money, I don't need class, I just need you to be there...